Preparation H

Yes, that's right. My extensive research into Marathon Running have yielded the following nuggets of information. To be a Marathon Runner I need to buy plasters, Vaseline and Preparation H.

The plasters prevent nipple rub caused by friction. The Vaseline prevents chafing of those delicate areas caused predominantly by having chunky upper legs and thighs - a by-product of enjoying too many chocolate biscuits.

Finally, Preparation H is used to speed up the process of healing...................blisters! It's intended use has yet to feature in any of the Marathon running research I have conducted. If however I find a link between Marathon running and Hemorrhoids, I will report it immediately in these pages.

I will shop this week for all three items. The application of which will go alongside the practice of taking an ice cold bath at the end of each training session. This apparently works well for Premiership Footballers in the prevention of cramp and muscle stiffness.

I am told that the heated seats of a Bentley Continental also aid muscle stiffness but as I am not a Premiership Footballer I will have to settle for the ice cold bath. Now I wish I had gone to summer holiday football practice when I was a child instead of watching all those 1930's episodes of Flash Gordon. If only each one hadn't ended on a cliff hanger with Flash certain to die at the hands of the evil Ming the Merciless!